Confused and Broken
by Whovian2525
Summary: After Sam and Carly left, what happened to Freddie? How did he handle things? Will he ever be the same person he was before his best friends left? Read to find out. Sorry if the summary sucks! Rated T for depression, cutting, language, sadness, and sadness!
1. Chapter 1

**Fan fiction****: Confused and Broken**

**Hey guys! This is my first fan fic so please be nice! Summary (if you didn't read it… I sometimes don't do that ): After Sam and Carly left, what happened to Freddie? How did he handle things? Rated T for suicide, cutting, depression, and language.  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly... Dan does. If I did own it, I would make Seddie be together the whole time!**

It's been one month since Carly and Sam left. I sometimes find myself staring at Carly's apartment door from time to time. After they left, I didn't talk to anyone. I still don't really talk to anyone. The only person I talk to is my psychotic mother. She's been even more overbearing to me than ever before. She claims that I'm depressed. She has tried to take me some specialists. I don't need that. They would make me talk about what happened. They would make me talk about Sam… I'm not ready yet. I don't know if I will ever really be ready. She left so suddenly. She left me a note saying that she was leaving. That was all: _I'm leaving. Don't call or text me. I need time for myself. _That was when I really stopped. The second I read that note, my heart stopped beating. All these thoughts were pounding my brain. _Did she do this_ _because of me? Does she hate me? Of course she hates you, you nub. You're pathetic._ I couldn't take it anymore so I ripped the note in shreds and went back inside my apartment. I was alone… no one was by my side anymore. All I had left was my stupid camera and the ridiculous videos that we all made. I'm alone… forever.

_Beep… Beep… Beep…_ my alarm clock was shrieking at me to get up. School was in one hour but I didn't want to get up, as usual. It was always like this in the mornings. Well, school days. On the weekends, I slept all day so the devil machine never went off. My mom came in and she told me to get up; there were organic strawberries in the kitchen. I groaned and hesitantly got up. I grabbed some clothes off of my floor and went into the bathroom. I changed and grabbed my knife that was under the sink. I slid it across my wrist, revealing thick, red blood dripping off of my flesh. I made two more cuts than yesterday. I cut myself every morning and occasionally at night if school was rough. I wore the usual: black jeans, black t-shirt hidden by a black sweatshirt, and black converse. As soon as the blood was under control, I went into the kitchen. I received a concerned look from my mother as she looked at my clothes. I got my backpack and quietly said goodbye to my mom. I walked out the door and noticed Spencer walking to his apartment.

"Oh hey, Freds. How are you doing?" He asked. I shrugged in response.

"After school, do you want to go to Groovy Smoothies with me?" Spencer was trying to make me talk to him, like the old days. I shook my head. He looked concerned but I ignored him and walked off. I didn't feel like another pity party. Once I was at school, I went straight to my locker. I heard a few smirks from some guys behind me.

"Hey Freddie, did Halloween come early this year?" one of the guys asked.

"No? Then why do you look like a freak?!" another one of the guys asked. They laughed as if it was the funniest things they have ever said. I ignored them and went into my first period classroom. I sat in the back and got out of my pear phone. I looked at one of my lists. 53 more insults and then go kill yourself, it said. I told myself that after 100 insults, I would kill myself. Only 53 more to go. Correction. 52 more to go. I just couldn't wait to get it over with. The reason why I have this list is because I don't really want to kill myself yet. It's just that, after 100 insults, I would have a reason for killing myself. And also, I never disobey my lists. The bell rang and a ton of teenagers quickly filled the empty seats around me. My math teacher told everyone to be quiet and he started on the lesson. I got out my notebook and started drawing on an empty page. Mr. Henderson asked a question and I looked up and saw everyone staring at me.

"Mr. Benson? I asked how to solve this question," I heard snickers from everyone. I looked at the board and instantly knew the answer. Although, I didn't feel like talking so I just shrugged my shoulders. My teacher made a _tisk_ noise with his mouth and went on with the lesson. A kid threw a note at me. It said, _'wow you really are stupid, Benson. Why don't you do us all a favor and go kill yourself?_' Mr. Henderson notice I had a note and like any stupid teacher, made me read it in front of the class. I got up and went in front of the class. I rolled my eyes and quietly read the note.

"We can't hear you, Freddie," one of the kids yelled. I looked at him with daggers and once again, read the note.

"Wow you really are stupid, Benson. Why don't you do us all a favor and go kill yourself?" all the kids in the class started laughing and asked me the same thing. Mr. Henderson told everyone to be quiet and apologized to me.

"Who wrote that? I am serious! Who wrote that note?" Mr. Henderson looked shocked at all his students. He couldn't believe that anyone would ever write something like that. A kid who insulted me earlier raised his hand.

"It was a supposed to be a joke, Mr. Henderson. Sorry if you took it the wrong way," he smirked as he 'apologized'.

"Well, Jacob, I'm glad that you said sorry but don't do it next time," Mr. Henderson said. Jacob smiled." Go sit down Freddie," he said. I rolled my eyes and sat back down. I pulled out my phone. 51 more insults to go.

**Well? How was it? Again, my first fanfic. Sorry if it's terrible. I'm new at this. Please be nice and review! Also, give me ideas! Even though I have many ideas for this story, I'm not sure what I should do with the next chapter! The reason why I wanted to write this was because I just love stories like this. I just love drama and how it tugs at you and makes you so emotional. I looked at all the other iCarly stories and none of them have this stuff so I wanted to reach out to those people who are like me! Hope you enjoyed! Don't you just hate Jacob?! He will be in other chapters!**

**-That hopeless Whovian, Ruth … Whovian2525**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys! Chapter 2 of Confused and Broken! Sorry I didn't update yesterday, it was Super bowl Sunday! Anyways, do any of you watch The Fosters? It's on tonight! Ugh, Jude is so adorable! Why hasn't he declared his love for Connor yet?! Anyways, enjoy! This chapter is a bit… interesting. Sorry if it sucks!**

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned iCarly… although sadly, Dan does****  
**

Jacob's POV:

That stupid nub got me busted for that note. God, he's so geeky. Although cute. But he's dating this Sam chick. Well, before she moved. I don't know what happened to her. There are a lot of theories. One is that Freddie murdered Sam, Freddie got Sam pregnant(which is hopefully not true), Sam had to get out of this city because she's wanted for murder(which really wouldn't be surprising because she's just that violent), and the normal one: Sam just couldn't take this town anymore. I believe the last one, though. I honestly don't know why I pick on Freddie. I don't actually mean it when I tell him to kill himself. I just don't want him to find out that I like him. Wait, no! Why would I like Freddie? I am 100% straight! Well, I mean the way he looks down at the ground is unbearably adorable. NO! I do NOT like Freddie! Although, the way that he makes a fist whenever he hears a snicker from someone behind him is just too cute. Whenever someone is making fun of him, I want to punch whoever says it. Ugh, I give up. Maybe I like him, maybe I don't. Shit, Trisha's texting me. What the hell does she want? _Hey baby,_ _wanna come over tonight?_ I don't respond. Yes, I have a girlfriend. I can't not have a girlfriend. I just… I don't know what I mean. It's just that, if I don't have a girlfriend, the other guys will rip on me and start asking questions. I reply no on my pear phone. I am so confused! If only Freddie were straight.

Freddie's POV:

Shit. Jacob's gonna kill me tomorrow in class. Not that I care. The taunting will make the process speed up a bit more, though. Anyways, when I got home, I saw my laptop just sitting there on my desk. I haven't opened it in a while. I don't really do homework anymore so it's not like I need to open it up. Although, and very hesitantly, I opened the thing. I got an email from Carly. It was two days after she left. This is what it said:

Freddie,

Hey! How's everything? Is Sam keeping you up on the edge of your seat? Italy is amazing! So beautiful and gorgeous! Everything is so old and vintage. How are you? I know it's only been two days since I last saw you but I wanted to see how you were. Well bye! Talk to you later!  
- Carly

No words. She hasn't emailed me at all since. Nor Sam, for that matter. See? They don't care. She was just being Carly. Sweet, sweet fricking Carly. Just has to be perfect. Anyways, we got our progress notices today. **[If you don't have progress notices, it's like a report card but not as official; it just means** **it's like the pre-report card.]** This is what it said:

Period 1: Calculus with Mr. Henderson; Grade: D, Work Habits: U (unsatisfactory)  
Period 2: Honors English 12 with Ms. Moreau; Grade: D, Work Habits: N (needs improvement)  
Period 3: American Government with Mr. Groff; Grade: C, Work Habits: N (needs improvement)  
Period 4: Lunch  
Period 5: Advanced Computer Science with Mrs. Peterson; Grade: B, Work Habits: S (satisfactory)  
Period 6: Spanish IV with Mr. Vetrono; Grade: C, Work Habits: N (needs improvement)

One B. That's good. Especially since I haven't really done anything. The teacher just recognizes my computer skills from iCarly. The other grades is gonna make my mom ballistic. I don't care about my grades but I know she's gonna be on my case about it. Only two D's. That's pretty good. But a U? In Mr. Henderson's class? I wasn't the one passing notes. I was the one receiving the note. I don't really care but my mom is gonna go to the school and demand to talk to all my teachers now. Oh, shit. My mom's home. And she sees the paper in my hand.

Still Freddie's POV:

"Freddie? Hi, honey. What's that in your hand?" my mom asks. She obviously sees the paper. I mumble something and hide the paper in my backpack. I say bye to my mom and leave the room. I go into my room and unzip my bag. I pull out the paper and throw it in the trash in my bathroom. I almost reach for the knife when I see my mom standing by the door way.

"Hi, honey. I would like to see that paper if that's okay," she seems nervous. I roll my eyes and fish the paper out of the bin and hand it to her. She doesn't look happy.

Marissa's POV:

I look at the paper he just handed me. My eyes are filled with disappointment and regret.

"There must be a mistake, Freddie. These are not your grades," I say, trying to hide the tears that are slowly forming in my eyes. I look at Freddie. He shrugs and leaves the bathroom. I see him in the corner of my eye as he goes into his bed.

"FREDWARD BENSON! THESE ARE NOT YOUR GRADES!" I screamed at him. I am so mad at him. I raised him better than this. I did not give up everything for him to just throw his life away. He looks at me shocked. I then realized that I had said those things out loud. He scoffs.

"You really think I give a damn about how you gave up stuff for me? You are an overbearing, crazy mother and I would do anything to get out of here!" he says. I am now furious. He gets out of his bed and puts on his shoes. He grabs his phone and starts to head out the door. I grab his wrist to try to get him to stay and I notice scars.

"Freddie? What are these? Are you… are you cutting yourself?" he stares at me with those big brown eyes. I see guilt, virtue, and shame. He lets go.

"SCREW YOU," he yells and he leaves. I hear the front door slamming. I drop to my knees and start bawling my eyes out. I'm a failure. I ruined him.

**So? Was it worth the wait? No, I'm not going to make Freddie and Jacob start dating. Freddie belongs with Sam. And the whole Marissa thing? Wow right? I had so much fun writing that chapter. It was really fun. Anyways, hope you enjoyed! I will update either tomorrow or the next day depending on homework. I wanna see how many reviews I get. Next chapter: Marissa confronts Freddie about his scars and Freddie gets a call from an old friend… excited? So am I! Ok random note: I am so cold! I like the cold so I'm okay. Its winter (obviously) but I live in California so it's not snowing. But it's cold for San Diego. Its 61 right now. Anyways, bye! Comment, review, and give me ideas please! Shout outs to Hooo and Sibuna11 for commenting! Hopefully I will have more reviews soon! Read Sibuna11 stories! They're amazing!- your welcome Sibuna11! Bye!  
-That hopeless Whovian, Ruth****… Whovian2525**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys! Oh my gosh thank you so much for the reviews! I was seriously screaming inside when I saw the view list. I am only on my fourth day and I got 219 views?! I thought no one was ever going to read this so I am so happy! I hope you like this chapter! Ok so for this chapter Freddie gets a call from an unexpected person. You guys ready? Are you sure? I don't think you can handle it… ok sorry. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly… if I did; I would make it still be here****J**

Spencer's POV:

I was on my way to get my favorite Canadian bacon when I heard screaming from Freddie's apartment. I stepped out of the door when I heard Freddie scream 'screw you' and I was shocked. Freddie cursing? Wow, something must be up. I saw Freddie come out of the apartment I stood there like a statue. He looked up at me with those brown eyes. They were red and I knew he was trying to hold back tears.

"Freddie? You okay?" I was nervous. I've never seen him cry before. Although, I've never seen him like this before. I was afraid that he would scream at me but he shook his head, indicating no. He dropped to the ground and started to cry. I bent down and helped him stand up.

"You can come to my apartment and we can sort things out, okay?" I offered. I knew he was hesitant but he opened up the door. This was going to be a long day.

Freddie's POV:

I didn't mean for him to see me cry but I just couldn't take it anymore. I was so hopeless that I went to Spencer. He's just like my brother and I knew that he wouldn't let me take off before I told him what was wrong. I reached for the door and stepped in. Everything was exactly the same since the day I said goodbye to Carly. Nostalgia overtook me as I stepped towards the couch. This was where we made memories. This was the apartment that changed me. Everything started to get fuzzy and then I saw nothing but black.

Spencer's POV:

He stepped in the apartment and before I knew it, he was screaming and having a mental breakdown. He fell on the ground screaming, clutching his head with his hands. He wouldn't stop crying and he pounded his fists on the ground. He tried to get up but he kept falling over the coffee table. As if nothing could get worse, he collapsed. I stood there, like an idiot doing nothing. I grabbed my phone and called the hospital. Twenty minutes later, he was in a hospital bed squirming around while he slept.

"Spencer Shay?" the doctor asked.

"Ya, that's me. Is everything going to be okay?" I asked, nervously.

"He's going to be fine. You said he had a mental breakdown?"

"Yes, that's right,"

"Do you know what triggered it?"

"Well, you see, his friends- one of them was my little sister- moved and he was left all alone and he became, well, depressed and when he stepped into the apartment, he started screaming,"

"Did the friendship end on a bad note?" The doctor asked. I nodded my head. He made notes in his notebook and thanked me. As he walked away, all I could think about was Freddie. His mom was right by his bed, crying. I looked at them sympathetically. I hope he's going to be okay. Then, an idea floated through my head. I took out my phone and started to tap the keyboard furiously.

Freddie's POV:

It's been four days since the incident. My mom insisted that I see a therapist but I told her no. I could barely talk to Spencer without having a mental breakdown. I go back to school today. I checked my emails and I found thirty-two new ones. They were all from Jacob and his idiot friends. I clicked on them and started to read every single one of them, torturing myself.

"Hey Freddork! How's crazy town?"

"Did you finally attempt to kill yourself?"

"Good for you! I hope to see you in hell!"

"Too bad you didn't die; I was already planning your funeral,"

It went on and on like that. I grabbed my phone and went onto the list. I was about to change the numbers but I quickly stopped myself. I would only do verbal insults. I grabbed my stuff and left my room. I saw my mom in the kitchen, making pancakes. Well, vegan pancakes.

"I made you pancakes, sweetie," she said meekly. I looked at her and shook my head. I know she feels bad from a few days ago but I don't care. I just want her to leave me alone. I left the building without a word. I swear I heard a sob from behind me.

I opened the doors to the school. I stepped in, looking at the ground. I knew everybody was talking about me but I ignored it and went to my locker. Four notes hit me and I opened every single one of them. They said things like 'go kill yourself' and 'I hate you'. I rolled my eyes and pulled out my phone. 47 insults to go. I grabbed the notes and stuffed them into my locker. I saw Jacob out of the corner of my eye. He was smirking. I looked at everyone around me and I just couldn't take it anymore. The smirks and laughter all at me.

"Thanks guys, thanks for the support! You guys are such a huge help, but really no, I get it! I'm just a stupid little nerd that has no friends! Thanks guys. I get it now," I yelled. Everybody was quiet. They were all shocked, mostly because they haven't heard my voice in over a month. The bell rang and I walked towards the stairs, up to my first period class. I ran over to my seat and when I was about to grab my notebook, Mr. Henderson stopped me.

"Freddie? What are you doing?" he asked shocked, as if he had never seen me sit down in my seat before.

"Uh, sitting in my seat," I replied, dumbfounded.

"First period hasn't started yet. We still have ten more minutes left," I was shocked. I thought the first bell had rung. Am I really that insane? Mr. Henderson noticed that I was confused.

"You must have thought you heard the bell. Are you okay, Freddie?"

"Ya, it must be the medication," I was put on 'happy pills' to make my depression less harmful. They weren't working, though. Not that I want it to.

"Freddie, if you need to talk to anyone, anyone at all, you do know I'm here, right?" I nodded and picked up my backpack, wondering what I would do to pass the time. Then, the unthinkable happened. I got a call from Carly.

**Hey guys! Sorry for the short chapter! And sorry for uploading so late… you know when you say you're only going to read one chapter of a fan-fiction then end up reading 45 chapters? Ya, that's what happened to me. Anyways, I can't get enough of the song Wings by Birdy! I listen to it when I write these chapters because it fully explains the story! Please listen! If you're into that type of music… Well bye! Please be nice and review!**

**-That hopeless Whovian, Ruth****… Whovian2525**


	4. Chapter 4

**Fan-fiction: Confused and Broken Chapter 4**

**Hey! I decided to update another one today because I'm anxious to write the Carly chapter. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned iCarly… but sadly, I don't!**

Carly's POV:

Four days ago, I got a call from Spencer. It was about Freddie. Spencer told me that Freddie was depressed and was having mental breakdowns. I could not feel anymore guilty. This is all my fault. I knew something was up when he didn't respond to my email a month ago. I never emailed him again because I figured that his laptop broke or something; I didn't know it was serious. Apparently Sam left, too. She left Freddie all alone which is just heartless. She probably didn't know it would have such a huge impact on Freddie but still. When Spencer called me, he told me that I should call Freddie to try to get him to fell better so that's what I'm going to do. I'll call him right now.

Freddie's POV:

Carly? Carly Shay is calling me right now? Spencer must have called her. Should I answer? I left the school building and out by the children's park. I picked up.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Hey, Freddie! How are you? It's been so lo-" I cut her off.

"Oh let me guess. You were gonna ask 'it's been so long' and then we would have a sweet conversation about how I'm feeling and I would ask you about Italy and it would be just like the old days? Well, if that's what you think, then you're freaking messed up. What is wrong with you? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW I FELT WHEN YOU LEFT? I FRICKEN HATED YOU FOR IT!" I yelled at her.

"Freddie, I'm sorry if that's what you think. I thought you were doing well. I didn't know you were going to become depressed. Freddie, I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me. Please, Freddie. Don't hate me," she was sobbing now. I felt angry at her. I felt even angrier at myself for making her cry. She was like my sister and I was upsetting her. But that didn't change the fact that she abandoned me.

"Ya, so I'm depressed. Sure, I'm getting even more bullied than I used to. Ya, okay, Sam left leaving me all alone. Okay, so I'm cutting myself. Ya, sure, I feel like killing myself every single fucking **[I warned you** **about the cussing]** day! You know what? I don't even care anymore. I don't even care anymore. Just hang up and then go back and fun in your new FUCKING TOWN WHERE YOU LEFT ME ALONE! GOODBYE CARLY SHAY!" and I hung up. I slipped my phone in my pocket and started running to get away from everything.

Carly's POV:

Okay so now I'm literally on the ground, crying my heart out. I ruined Freddie's life. I feel so terrible. What if he does something to himself? What if he… what if he kills himself? What would happen then? I'm emailing Sam. I have to. I know Freddie loves her like crazy and if anyone can talk sense into him, it's Sam.

Hey, Sam. What's up? Hey so have you talked to Freddie at all since you left? I'm worried about him. I just talked to him and he told me that he was cutting himself and I think he's going to kill himself. Please, Sam, talk to Freddie. I know you love him just as much as he loves you. Thanks!

-Carly

Oh god, Sam. Please help him. Please!

Sam's POV:

A couple of days ago, I got an email from Melanie telling me that our mom's getting married to some German dude who sells refrigerators so now I'm going to have to go back home to be there for her. It's like her tenth marriage, so why do I have to go? Besides, Freddie's there. What if I bump into him and see his geeky, nub face? Oh, crap. Cat's calling me.

"Ya Cat?" I ask my annoyingly, bubbly roommate.

"I finished the making the bacon," she yelled from the kitchen. Mmmm, bacon. Momma loves her bacon! I run to the kitchen, grabbing the pan. She giggles as she stares at me eating.

"Sam, calm down! Don't choke yourself!" Cat says while going to the couch. The doorbell rings and I stop Cat before she mocks the sound. Cat gets up to go to the door and reveals her weird looking boyfriend, Robbie Shapiro. Cat giggles his name as she leans up to hug him. I wave to him with a piece of bacon in my hand. He stares at me weirdly as he sits on the couch.

"Hey, Sam. How's it hanging?" he asks me trying to make polite conversation. I mumble something but he doesn't hear me since my mouth is stuffed full of bacon.

"Robbie, do you want to go to the mall with me and Sam today?" I almost choke on my bacon.

"Mall? Why would I go to the mall?"

"The mall is fun. Besides, we need to pick out a dress for your mom's wedding! I can't wait to meet her!" I roll my eyes. I am not going to the mall. Maybe I could just stick scissors through my eyes instead.

"Trust me, my mom is not all that fun," I assure her. She shrugs and then starts instantly kissing Robbie. I roll my eyes and head to my room. I go on my laptop to find an email from Carly. I have been emailing her but I don't really want to answer this one. The subject is Freddie. I don't want to read anything that has Freddie in it. I turn my laptop off and go to bed. I have to go to Seattle in ten days.

Marissa's POV:

I'm working the graveyard shift tonight. I don't really want to since I'm worried about Freddie. Maybe I should do a puzzle night! We haven't done that in ages. What happened to my sweet innocent Freddie? He should have never gotten stuck with those girls. He would be fine right now if he never met them. I made really good pancakes this morning and as usual, doesn't eat anything. He's getting skinnier and skinnier by the day. Not to mention the cuts. I found a knife in his bathroom! What am I going to do with him? He's my everything.

Freddie's POV:

I ran home. I ran into my kitchen and grabbed the first knife I saw. Then, I went into the medicine cabinet and grabbed a tube of pills. I put them in my backpack and headed to Spencer's apartment. I knocked on the door. I saw Spencer smile at me.

"Hey kiddo, what's up?" he asks, peculiar.

"I was wondering if I could go up to the iCarly studio," I asked innocently. He says sure and I run up the stairs. When I reach the studio, I grab the old camcorder that was still there and plugged it into my laptop. I logged into the iCarly website and looked at the reviews. I decided to count the cyber insults too. 31 insults, then 20 insults, then 9 insults, and then 2 insults. Then my eye fixes on one of Jacob's insults. 'Hey idiot, where's your little iCarly gang now? Did they leave you because they realized that they hated you? That's what I would do. Just do us all a favor and go kill yourself. Nobody wants you here. In fact, the world would be so much better if you would just die.' My eyes were tearing up while looking at this. What did I ever do to him? I switch to settings and turn the camera on. It was live right now.

"Hey guys. So, people usually do this so I figured I would do it too. What I'm about to do is what I've been thinking about for a very long time. Why do you guys hate me so much? What did I ever do to you? You know, those comments about killing myself isn't right. You've said it to me so many times; you've convinced me that I am actually just a waste of space. I hate myself and I can't wait to just die. It's been fun. Goodbye," I click off the camera and grab my knife and pills out of my bag. I pull off the cap of the pills and one by one, start swallowing them. I grab my knife and start to cut my wrist over and over, not caring that it hurts. I start to make a puddle of blood on the ground. I'm crying because of the pain. Not because of the physical pain; the mental pain. I'm losing focus and I see Spencer running towards me. With my last breath, I whisper, "This is what you did to me," and then I see black.

**Hope you enjoyed! This is not the end of the story so keep reading! I was literally crying while I was writing this; it's so sad. I will update next chapter tomorrow. Bye!**

**-That hopeless Whovian, Ruth… Whovian2525**


	5. Chapter 5

** Confused and Broken Chapter 5**

**Hey sorry for not updating. I have no excuses but I did have like so many tests so I needed to study for that but I have break for the whole week! Also, I was writing a new fanfic about House of Anubis called Trying to Hide which is about the holocaust. Read if you want! Anyways, I will try to update more- I PROMISE! Have you guys ever gone onto Cleverbot? So weird! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly**

Spencer's POV:

While Freddie was up there, I decided to bring him fruit to see how he was doing. So I started up the stairs and when I got in the old studio, I saw him on the ground, clutching his wrist and there was a puddle of blood on the ground from his hand. He looked up at me and I dropped the fruit, breaking the bowl and I rushed over to him. I saw an empty bottle of prescription pills on the ground. I whipped my phone out of my pocket and called 911.

"Hello? This is 911, what's your emergency?" the police asked.

"My sister's friend, Freddie Benson tried to kill himself by taking pills and cutting his wrist. Please I need an ambulance," I then gave them our address and then I saw Freddie's eyes close. He mumbled something but I couldn't hear.

"Freddie, come on. Don't close your eyes, please. Freddie! FREDDIE, COME ON! WAKE UP! FREDDIE!" I screamed at him. I was crying by now. What would make him do this? Is he that depressed from Carly leaving? It's probably Sam, actually. He does really love her. I hear the ambulance downstairs and I hear them rush up over here. I see Freddie get carried away in one of those hospital bed thingies. No I don't know what it's called, okay! I don't like hospitals so I didn't bother to know the special tools.

Marissa's POV:  
"Quick! We have a boy about the age of seventeen that overdosed and I can't hear a heartbeat! We need help immediately!" one doctor yelled. I couldn't see him but I knew he was close.

"What's his name?" one other doctor asked.

"Fredward Benson," I dropped my clipboard as I heard that. I ran over to the doctor and I saw my Freddie. Oh, Freddie. He looked broken.

"Marissa, it's going to be okay. Just breathe Marissa," one of them told me. I saw Spencer look frantic at me.

"How could you do this to my baby? What happened?" I screamed at Spencer. He looked down.

"He cut himself and um, he took some pills. Also, he isn't… he isn't… isn't breathing," He says, slowly. I can't recall what happened next. I was just so shocked. My Freddie, what happened to him? He used to be so kind and innocent with his trains and computers. I just want him to get better.

Spencer's POV:

As I told Mrs. Benson what had happened, she slapped me. Hard. She then ran down the corridor and I decided to follow her to make sure she was going to be okay. I saw her outside looking at the cars.

"Look at the cars. Making so much noise," she says quietly. I look at her weird. What is wrong with her?

"What is wrong with you? Your son is in the hospital and you decide to comment on the loudness of cars?" I say.

"DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT TO SAY! I KNOW MY SON IS IN THE HOSPITAL! YOU DON'T THINK I WANT HIM TO GET BETTER? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? HOW DARE YOU! YOU, YOU, BASTARD!" she screams at me. She cursed at me. I apologize and I go back into the hospital. What is wrong with her? I wasn't trying to upset her; I was just shocked at the comment about the cars.

Carly's POV:

I am still shaken up about the thing that Freddie told me. I hope he is okay. Sam is still not answering. She probably didn't even answer the email. I just heard a beep from my laptop. Hopefully it's Sam. When I open my laptop up, I see a new video from the iCarly website. It says Goodbye. I click on it, curious. I watch it and I see Freddie, crying. Oh, god what is he doing? I pick up my phone, clicking on Freddie's icon button. He doesn't answer. I then call Spencer. No answer. I decide I should probably call Mrs. Benson. No answer. Oh god! Freddie! What if he… I see the knife on the ground of the video. He is. Spencer please help him.

Sam's POV:

"Okay Cat I will, I will," I say about cleaning my room. Of course I'm not going to. I hear a beep from my laptop and I see that there is a new video on the iCarly website. I click on it, wondering if Frednub made it. I do see Freddie on the screen but it's not for a good reason. He is going to try. Try to commit suicide. I call Freddie immediately. He doesn't answer. I then call Spencer. No answer. Then I call Carly.

"Sam?" she asks.

"Ya it's me. Did you see the video?" I ask.

"Yes… he isn't answering. No one is," she says. I nod my head even though she won't be able to tell. I hear Cat in the background.

"Why are you crying, Sam?" she asks.

"I am not crying, Cat," I say to her.

"Then why is your face wet?" she asks. I touch my face and I realize that I am crying.

"What are we going to do?" Carly asks on the phone.

"I'm going to Seattle for my mom's wedding in ten days so I will be able to visit him then," I say.

"I wish I could go see him. Maybe I could. I could ask my dad and say that it's an emergency," she says.

"Do you like Freddie?" I ask out of the blue.

"What? What are you talking about?" she asks.

"You and Freddie kissed," I say quietly.

"Sam, no. It was just a friendly kiss. It really didn't mean anything. It was more of a goodbye kiss," she says.

"You know I really liked him. You didn't have to kiss him," I know I sound pathetic but if I can open up to anyone, it's Carly.

"Sam, I'm really sorry if that's what you thought. I didn't mean to hurt you," she apologizes.

"Ah, it's okay," I say even though it's not what I mean. That's the whole reason why I left. Well, that and Carly wouldn't be there anymore. Carly and Freddie really hurt me by that kiss. She knew that I really liked Freddie, even though it is embarrassing. I shrug it off.

"Call me when you get an answer," I say.

"An answer for what?" she asks.

"When you can come home. I miss you," I say clicking off the phone before she can say it back. I look at the comments on the video.

'I am so glad that you finally decided to do that, Fredward. Now there won't be any nubs at our school'

'Finally! I was waiting for the day for you to go crazy!'

'You deserve every single shitty thing that has happened to you, Freddie. Don't act like this is just a surprise'

I am furious, especially about that last one. I pick up my phone camera and log onto the iCarly website, going to live. I am now logged on.

"Hey guys. You probably saw that last video. Congratulations! You made someone kill themselves. You must be so happy with yourselves. What is wrong with you?! You made someone hate themselves so much, you made them want to die. Why don't you guys just go to a loony bin because if you want to get rid of someone's life so much, then you must be a basket case. You should all be ashamed of yourselves," I scold at them. I log off and lie back on my bed.

Spencer's POV:

I am sitting in the waiting room. I see the doctor approach me.

"Hey, doc. How is he?" I ask, nervous.

"Well, this is common but for some reason, we can't find out how to cure him," he says.

"What do you mean? Can't you just pump his stomach and then stitch his hand?" I ask.

"We can't pump his stomach because he hasn't had enough to eat in the last few months. We also can't stitch up his hand because he lost a great deal of blood and he has a rare blood type and we can't find anyone that has the same blood type," he says.

"Is he going to make it?" I ask. The doctor looks down.

"We don't know," he says.

**Well I hope you enjoyed. And I am so so sorry! I will update more! Anyways, please review and give comments. Should I die off Freddie or should I keep him? Please review! Anyways, what is your high score on Flappy Bird? Mine is shameful, 13 but I am still trying! Again, please review!**

**-That hopeless Whovian, Ruth… Whovian2525**


	6. Chapter 6

** Confused and Broken Chapter 6**

**Oh wow I can't believe that I'm already on chapter 6! I really hope you guys have liked it so far! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly**

Sam's POV:

I just got a ticket to go back to Seattle earlier. I'm going to leave LA early to go see Freddie. I really want to see how he's doing after… well you know.

"You ready to go yet, Sam?" asked Cat. I rolled my eyes.

"We don't leave till tomorrow morning, Cat," I replied. She gave me a look.

"Yes, but it's early in the morning and you will be too tired to pack at 4:00 in the morning,"

"Fine, I'll pack now. Did you get the fat cakes?" I asked her. She giggled and held up the bag. She also picked up a bag of that English gum or whatever.

I went into my room to start packing. While I was 'folding' clothes, I saw a box in my closet. I picked it up and opened it up. In it, there were pictures of me and Carly when we did the web show, pictures of Spencer and Freddie fencing, even pictures of me and Freddie when we used to date. I smiled sadly because of the nostalgic memories. I heard Cat coming in so I quickly put the box away.

"What was that?" she asked.

"Nothing of your concern," I snapped at her. She pushed me aside and grabbed the box. She opened it and looked at all the pictures.

"They were your best friends weren't they?" she asked, looking up at me.

"Ya, we had some fun times," I said, looking away from her so she wouldn't see the pain in my eyes.

"What happened?"

"People change. People leave. Things disappear," I say.

"You ran away didn't you?"

"How did you know?" I looked up at her.

"You wouldn't just leave because you wanted to. You left because you had to," I stared at the red head in disbelief.

"What makes you think I left because I had to? I am Sam Pucket… I can do anything I want,"

"No, that's not it. Something bothered you so you left. I know you must think I'm stupid but I'm not. I'm smarter than any of you. Just not in the same ways. So, what bothered you so much that you had to disappear?"

"That's my business," I told her, half yelling. She stared into my eyes like bullets. Then, she shook her head.

"Was it because of him?" she picked up a picture of Freddie.

"Don't talk about him," she smiled.

"You loved him but something changed. Maybe her?" she asked, picking up a picture of Carly.

"Stop listening to my phone calls and stop looking through my emails, Cat," I told her.

"What are you talking about, Sam? I never listen to your phone calls and I don't know your password on your laptop,"

"Then how do you know?" I am so utterly shocked and confused how she would know this.

"I see it in your eyes. I see it every single day," she says.

"But your Cat! You don't know anything!" I scream at her. She scoffed.

"I am much more then the silly, bubbly Cat," she says, looking away.

"Then why do you hide behind silly, bubbly Cat?" I ask her.

"It's easier. I am still silly, bubbly Cat. I am just more than that," she says, getting up.

"Just one more thing," I say.

"What is it?" she asks, turning around to look at me.

"Do you know if I love him?" I ask her quietly. She goes over to me.

"That's for you to find out," she whispers in my ear.

Spencer's POV:

I am sitting in Freddie's hospital room right now. I look at him. He looks so broken. He still isn't awake. The doctors told me that he might not live. I hope he does. I really, really hope he does. I know he left a video saying goodbye but I'm not going to watch it. I can't do that. It's too terrible. I check my phone and see 14 missed calls from Carly and 10 missed calls from Sam. Crap. I call Carly first.

"Spencer! Is Freddie okay? I saw the video," she yells into the phone. I don't know whether I should lie to her or tell her the truth. She deserves to know the truth but I don't want her heartbroken.

"He's… he's doing fine," I wince as I say it. I hear a sigh of relief from her.

"Oh thank goodness. I don't know what I would do without him," she says. I feel incredibly guilty. Too late now though. I can't tell her because then she would feel even more terrible.

"Ya I have to go Carls. Talk to you later," I say.

"Okay but I have some news. I'm gonna come-" I hang up before she can finish. I wonder what she wanted to tell me. I guess I'll find out eventually. I then call Sam.

"Hey how is he?" she asks.

"He's… not doing well. The doctors don't know if he will make it," I say quickly. I don't hear anything over the phone. Not even a breath.

"Oh. Have you told Carly?"

"No, not yet," I lie. Well it's not a lie, it's just a fib. I think.

"Do you want me to call her?" she asks.

"No I will. In fact, you probably shouldn't even talk to her just in case the disappointment can be revealed through your voice," I tell her.

"Ummm okay then. Thanks for telling me I guess. Bye," she says hanging up the phone. I sigh in guilt and relief. If Carly finds out, she'll kill me. I look over at Freddie.

"Do better buddy."

**Well how did you like it? Sorry it's short. Did you like Cat in this chapter? I like to believe that she's smarter than she leads on. Oh and when she was talking, she didn't have her sweet, high pitched voice on. It was more like her voice in the first season of Victorious. Have you noticed that Cat changed a lot between season one and the last one? In the first one, she's more normal and she doesn't dress as girly but it the last one, she's really girly and bubbly. It's weird. I kind of like Cat in the earlier seasons but I like how Robbie's and Cat's relationship increase more in the last season. OMG the kiss! Why did they have to cancel the show?! Please review and give comments, questions, and opinions!**

** -That hopeless Whovian, Ruth… Whovian2525**


	7. The Inexplicable Truth

**Confused and Broken Chapter 7**

**Hi! Sorry for not updating in a while! Okay so this chapter is… idk. You will figure that out! *wink, wink***

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly**

**Carly's POV: Listen to You Found Me by The Fray**

I just bought the ticket for Seattle. I'll be leaving tomorrow. I really hope Freddie's doing as good as Spencer says. I decided not to tell anyone because I want it to be a surprise. Besides, I think it will be good for Freddie. I decide to start packing. I'm only staying for like, two weeks so I won't have to pack much. All I pack is four dresses, six skirts (skirts are essential), twenty shirts, seven pairs of jeans, four pairs of shoes (I will buy more in Seattle), and three pairs of shorts. I pack some more essential things and as soon as I feel satisfied, I smile to myself and go on The Slap. I click on Sam's page and it's completely empty. I do however see a tag on it. I click on the tag and find a video from Sam. I watch it, and I feel… well, I don't know how I feel. Sam actually stood up for Freddie. I know I shouldn't feel surprised, she's done it before, but this is just so sweet. Sweet? That's an understatement. My brain feels so jumbled that I can't think straight. I scream in frustration and throw my suitcase on the ground, it opening up and spilling all of its contents. Why did he do this? He's ruined everything! No, I ruined everything by leaving. No one is innocent.

I sit on the ground and pull out my phone. I scroll through all the pointless texts that I sent to Freddie before I left. No, I don't like erasing my messages. I smile at the conversation we had about ideas for iCarly. He texted me them because if he told me in front of Sam, she would tell him that those ideas were stupid. Sam doesn't know this, but I used almost all his ideas for the episodes. He had a great sense of humor but was stifled by Sam. I close my eyes and think of all the memories that us three had together. All the pointless fights and the relationships. Gibby… I even miss Gibby! It's all gone. All because of me. I just had to leave him. I am so STUPID! None of this would ever happen if I just would have stayed. I kick my suitcase, leaving it on its side.

I stand up and throw my laptop at my mirror, breaking both of the objects. I throw my pillows on the ground and my books across the room. I kick my chair on the ground. I run into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. I am a selfish bitch. Why did I leave him? I throw my brush into the mirror, it shattering all over the place. I sit on the ground to contain myself from breaking anything else. I pick up a piece of glass and glide it across my arm. It stings but I can't stop. I continue to glide it across that same spot till I see crimson coloured blood drip on the ground. I am about to do it again when my phone starts ringing. I drop the glass on the ground and go over to my phone. It's Freddie. Wait, how can that be? I don't even care! He must be awake!

"Hello?" I answer, instantly happy.

"Hey, Carly," he answers. I love hearing his voice. It's music to my ears.

"You scared me so much, Freddie. Don't ever do that again," I tell him, holding back tears. He laughs in the background.

"I promise I'll never do it again. Now, how's my Carly doing?" he says. I am about to respond when my dad comes in the room.

"Carly what did you do?" he shouts at me. I look at him, smiling.

"Never mind that! Look, Freddie's on the other end! He's awake!" I squeal at my dad. He looks at me with sad eyes. Why isn't he happy?

"Carly, your phone is broken. No one is on the other end," he tells me. I look at my phone and see that it's shattered. I fall to the ground. What is happening to me? I look around at my disaster of a room. I sob into my knees as my dad leans down to me.

"Carly, everything is going to be okay. What did you do to arm?" he asks me. I look over at my arm which has a scar and dried blood all over it. What did happen? I look at him and start sobbing all over again. He pulls me in closer to him but I push him away and run out of the house and into the streets. I run as fast as I can to get away from everything. I stop when I reach an edge closing me off from the bridge. I breath in and out, trying to contain myself. It doesn't work. I want to jump off to stop everything. I want to get rid of everything. I want to stop feeling. I stand on top of the bridge and wait. Then, I fall.

**Sam's POV:**

Cat and I are on the plane to go back to Seattle. We just had to sit in front of a stupid kid that kicks the back of the chairs.

"Hey, kid! Stop!" I tell him. He looks up at me and laughs.

"You're stupid," he says. Okay I've had enough. I am about to rip his head off but Cat restrains me.

"Sam! No!" she scolds me, going back to her magazine. I roll my eyes and give up.

I get a call from Carly.

"Hello?" I say, wondering why she would call me from Italy. I mean, she usually emails me because it's less expensive.

"Sam? I need help, I can't… I just can't," Carly answers. She sounds so broken.

"Carly, what's wrong?" I ask her.

"I wanted to… but someone saved me, I don't want to do this anymore. I wish they didn't, I wish this never… it's all my fault," what the hell is she talking about?

"Carly, what's going on?"

"I thought Freddie called me but it was just an illusion. I actually thought he was okay," as soon as she said it, I felt heartbroken.

"Carly," I say, not daring to say anything else.

"I just want it to be all over, you know? I don't want to feel this anymore. I want this to stop! I can't handle this, I don't want to handle this. I tried, but it didn't work and now I'm still here, talking on the phone when I could be… when I could be okay," did she actually try? Oh god, please be okay, Carly.

"Carly calm down. Go home," I tell her.

"I don't want to go home! I want to die, I want to go away, I want to-" I cut her off.

"Carly, if you do much as a single cut to yourself, I will go over there and put you in a cage, got it? Stop! He's going to be okay, and so are you!" silence fills the phone. Not even a breath.

"Bye Sam," she says, clicking off. I call her dad and tell him what's going on. He hangs up to find her. What has happened to us?

I close my eyes and breath in and out. Cat pokes me with her finger.

"Everything okay?" she asks me.

"I think so, Cat. I hope so," I respond. She looks at me.

"Sam, you're going to visit him and he's going to be okay and you two will be okay. Everything will be okay, I promise," she tries to tell me.

"How do you know that?" I ask her, letting my guard down.

"I just do," I stare into her eyes and know that she's telling the truth. I sigh and fall asleep in the annoying plane.

**Sam's POV:**

We arrive at my old house and as soon as I open the door, my mom comes out in a new bikini.

"You arrived. I owe you ten bucks Phil," my mom says. I look over at Cat and she's internally crying from my mom. She must be shocked to see my mom be this crazy. But this isn't crazy, this is normal. She gulps and goes into the house. I lead Cat to my room and I sit on the springy bed. And Carly wondered why I was always at her house. I drag my suitcase to the end of the bed and grab a fat cake out of the pocket. Cat looks timidly at the room.

"What's wrong?" I ask her, my mouth stuffed with sugary goodness.

"There's only one bed," she says. I roll my eyes.

"You'll sleep on the ground, princess," she sighs and gets out her purple giraffe. I throw a pillow at her and she makes her 'bed.' I go to the closet and grab a blanket and she takes it, ripping it from my hand.

"Don't worry, Cat. It'll be like a sleepover," I tell her sarcastically.

"Really? Fun!" she squeals, her face lighting up.

"No, now lets go see Freddie," I tell her. She pouts and sets her giraffe on the ground.

We walk in silence towards the hospital. I see Spencer sitting in the waiting room. He looks terrible. I walk over to him.

"Sam!" he proclaims, hugging me tightly.

"Hi, Spencer," I respond, deciding whether I should tell him about Carly. He already looks broken and I can't let him get even more broken. He might shatter.

"Who's this?" he asks me, looking at Cat. Cat giggles and puts her hand out.

"I'm Cat!" she squeals. Spencer takes it and shakes it, sitting back down. I sit beside him and Cat goes over to look at magazines.

"Spencer, I need to tell you something. It's about Carly," I say, being cautious. He looks up at me, scared as ever.

"Sam, what's wrong? Is she okay?" he looks really scared. I can't back down now.

"She… she tried doing something stupid. She tried the same thing Freddie did. But she's fine! Your dad is taking care of her, and she's not in the hospital," I say quickly. His face is unreadable. He gets up and walks away. I see him go over to the magazine stand that Cat left behind to get gum and he touches it gently. Then, he starts to look through all the magazine covers, ripping them off the rack. Then, he starts to kick the rack, leaving dents in them. Nurses go over to him and restrains him. They take him away but I don't follow. I feel so guilty. I shouldn't have told him, but then again, I had to. I sigh and tell Cat that I'm going to find Freddie.

After a while, I find his room and walk in. I see him laying on the bed, unconsious. It's hard to look at him, he looks so fragile. I walk over to him and stroke his hair. I smile from the memories that we've had.

"Sam?"

**Hahaha ya I left it off like that! So how did you like it? Review, comment, give me your ideas. Two reviews for more!**

**-That hopeless Whovian, Ruth… Whovian2525**


	8. Memories

**Confused and Broken Chapter 8**

**Hi! Thank you so much for all the reviews! I felt like I needed to update sooner so I could ease you guys down from the suspense. Okay, so last chapter, Freddie woke up… how will Sam react? Will she be happy that he woke up for her, or will she feel guilty? Read to find out!**

**Disclaimer: I'm so tired of doing these, but I know I have to, so: I don't own iCarly**

**Sam's POV:**

"Sam?" I hear a deep, raspy voice whisper. I look up at the bed and see Freddie awake, looking up at me with those big brown eyes.

"Freddie? You're awake," I say, lamely. _'Duh, he's awake! He's looking right at me, you idiot,'_ I think to myself. I just can't wrap my brain around it. I feel myself going numb and all wobbly but I don't sit down. I just keep staring at Freddie to see if this is real or not. If I take my eyes off him, he might break and shatter to the ground, leaving me all alone.

"Why… why are-" he tries to say. I shake my head and put my finger to his lips. He stares at my finger as I quickly take it away. Weird, don't do that Sam. I hear the nurse coming in and she gasps. She hurries me out of the room as she goes over to Freddie. I stare back at Freddie before closing the door. He winks at me. I smile and I shut the door. I go out to the hall and put my face in my hands, clutching on my hair tightly. I lean back on the wall and slide down towards the ground. I see Cat coming my way. She giggles as she sits down next to me.

"Hi! What's up?" she asks me, giving me her puppy dog eyes, saying that I should tell her everything.

"Nothing special," I whisper, lying. I close my eyes so she will believe me.

"Something special always happens in a moment. You just need to cause it," she tells me, being her 'deep Cat.'

"It was nothing, really. Just leave it alone, okay?" I snap at her. She doesn't even flinch. She giggles and shakes her head.

"Sam, I know you. I know everything about you. Tell me what happened. Is he okay?" she asks me, raising her eyebrow. I don't respond.

"Sam, I know you might not want to believe it, but you need someone. You're alone even though people are all around you. You need him and he's in there, waiting for you to do something. Be the cause of something special," I roll my eyes, get up to abandon her but she grabs my arm and pulls me close to her.

"You don't fool me, Sam Puckett. I can see everything you go through… I know who you are deep down," she whispers in my ear. She leaves me in the hallway, her bouncing off on her heels. How does she do that?

I breath in and out to contain myself from fainting. I feel so lost but so… so guilty? Why did he have to wake up for me? I don't deserve this… I don't deserve anything. Ugh, I don't know what's happening to myself! He's messing with my brain and I don't like it! I stomp my foot then fall to the ground and hug my knees. _'Don't cry, Sam. Don't you dare cry'_ I think to myself. I can't let the superior see me cry. I look up to someone's voice.

"Hi, um, where's Freddie Benson's room?" a kid my age asks. He has brown, messy hair, with green eyes. He looks attractive but what business does he have with Freddie?

"Who's asking?" I defend Freddie. I don't want strangers going into his room, especially since he just woke up.

"I'm Jacob. I'm in his math class," he responds. He shifts his legs from one to the other. He looks nervous.

"Well the nurses are in there so you can just leave," I tell him. Jacob seems familiar but I don't recall where from. He looks down and nods, leaving. Then I remember his comment to Freddie on The Slap. I go over to him and push him against the wall.

"Oh so now you feel bad for him. You do realize what you made him do, right?" I scold him, clutching on to his shirt. I lift him off the ground and kick him in the gut, making him groan in pain.

"Please… I'm sorry," he says, barely breathing. I drop him on the ground and go over to him.

"Stay away from Freddie," I threaten him in a hushed but affective voice. He nods and he runs away for his life. I fix my hair and leave the building in silence.

**Carly's POV:**

I watch the clock go by slowly. I sit quietly in my seat as I listen to the birds chirp outside.

"Carly, it's been fifteen minutes and you still haven't answered my question. I asked you why you did what you did," she tells me. She wants me to 'talk' about my feelings. She wants to know why I wanted to leave.

"Carly, we can't fix you if you don't cooperate," I flinch as she says the word 'fix.' I'm not a toy that can just be glued back together. I'm a human being.

"What do you want me to say?" I ask meekly. I hear her write something down on her stupid piece of paper.

"I want you to tell me why you would want to end your life," I roll my eyes. I didn't want to end my life. I just wanted to stop feeling sad. I should be with Freddie right now, but no, my dad decided it would be best if I saw a therapist instead.

"Carly, come on, I don't bite," okay, I've had enough. I get up and run out the door, only to be caught by my dad.

"Carly, go back in there now!" he demands. I sigh and start to head back to the door, me being the 'obedient Carly Shay, good girl.' But I turn on my heel just as I twist the knob.

"I would feel better if I saw Freddie. He needs me," I argue. He looks shocked that I would actually disobey.

"I don't care, you need help. Your health matters to me most," I roll my eyes and throw my head back in frustration.

"Whatever you say, Daddy," I scoff, going back into the room, slamming the door shut. I slump back in my seat and huff.

"Good, now, Carly do you want to say anything?" my therapist asks me, cocking her head to the side. I shake my head. She sighs and points at the clock.

"I still have you for twenty more minutes. We can either sit in silence, or I can actually help you. Now which one do you want to do?" I test her by glaring into her eyes. She squirms in her seat after a few seconds. I smirk and cross my arms. This is going to be a long session. I close my eyes and think back to a time when everything was alright, when nobody was broken.

_*flashback*_

_"And we're clear," Freddie says, shutting off the camera. Me and Sam high five as we slump back down in the bean bag chairs. Freddie goes over to grab a bean bag chair to sit with us but Sam puts her leg out to trip him. He falls flat on his face and Sam starts laughing. I see Freddie roll his eyes as he gets up. He mumbles something and leaves the room, slamming the door behind him._

_"Sam! Why did you do that?" I ask her. She looks at me innocently._

_"Because it's funny," I roll my eyes._

_"Well, it's not funny to him. Apologize," she scoffs._

_"I don't apologize. I make people cry but I don't apologize," she says, testing me._

_"It's like you like him or something," I scoff. She stares at the ground and chews on her thumb._

_"Oh my god! You like Freddie!" I scream. She covers my mouth and gives me a look._

_"Ew, Fredbag? Don't be crazy," she defends herself._

_"Aww, do I hear wedding bells?" I tease her. She rolls her eyes._

_"Shut up," she tells me._

_"Or what? Are you going to deny that you like him? Because I already know that you do," I tease her some more. She pulls her head back and pouts._

_"Stop Carly," she screams. I smile, drinking my water._

_"Okay but you do need to apologize to him or else he won't like you back," I warn her. She scrunches her face._

_"I have to be nice to him? How is that even possible?" I laugh at her._

_"You'll have to make it work. Or just don't be with him, I don't know. Maybe you don't have the guts to do it," I test her. She glares at me._

_"I can do anything," she defends herself._

_"Then be nice to him. And I know exactly where and when,"_

_*flashback ends*_

I smile at the memory that we had before Sam went to that insane asylum. I told her to be nice when we went to Ridgeway for that overnight thing. That's where she kissed him and then she immediately left to go to that crazy place.

"What's so funny?" the she-devil asks. I roll my eyes.

"Must you but in on everything?" I tell her, annoyed. Can't I just have this one memory to myself?

"Time's up. I'll see you next week," she says. I nod my head, but I really want to say, "No way in hell, crazy," but I can't disrespect her. I grab my coat and leave the room to find my dad sitting in the couch reading a book. He looks up and I walk away from him, ignoring everything. I smile and think of some more memories.

**Okay, that was that chapter! Sorry it was so short, I'm really tired. Anyways, special thanks to xemtlenc for helping me with this story! You're amazing! You helped me through my writer's block many times so thank you so much! Anyways, two reviews for more!**

**-That hopeless Whovian, Ruth… Whovian2525**


	9. Facing the Truth

**Confused and Broken Chapter 9**

**Oh my goodness! I am so so sorry! I didn't even notice the time that has past! My computer broke and then I had a ton new story ideas and I'm just really really sorry. That will not happen again, I promise! Wow, you guys must be angry… I feel guilty!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own iCarly**

**Cat's POV:**

I walk out into the cold air, me being swept up from the breeze. I see Sam sitting on a bench, playing with her thumbs. I walk over to her and sit next to her. I feel her frowning. I smile.

"So, what's going on?" I ask her. I don't show this side much to anyone, not even Robbie. I don't want to show people, or they will never think of me as the same person as I was. My brother messed me up, really messed me up. My parents ignored me and I had to stay strong for myself. I became girly Cat and everything changed. I acted dumb and clueless just to hide my feelings. I acted sweet and innocent and nobody suspected anything. I dyed my hair and I was no longer Caterina. I became Cat. Bubbly Cat. And nobody realized.

"Wow Cat! Everything is just lollipops and sugar cubes!" she screams sarcastically. I roll my eyes at her remarks.

"You're relieved that he's awake but you know you can't change things between the two of you. You're afraid that he won't forgive you for running away. I mean, it's not surprising. I would be so mad at you. You were a bitch to him. You loved him and that scared you. You didn't know how to love anybody so you pulled away from everyone. Your best friend left you and you were scared that he would leave you so you made the first move. You left because you were scared. You're just a coward. A big coward," I say calmly. How do I know this? I don't stalk her, I see it in her eyes. I see the sadness. I just put two and two together. She is an open book, people just don't see it.

"How do you know all of this? I'm creeped out by you, Cat," she bites her thumb.

"No you're not. You're relieved. You know that you're never going to admit this so you're happy that I can figure you out. You don't want to believe this stuff even though it's true. You're hurting inside because you're afraid," I look at her and my voice becomes sharper. She walks away and I grab her arm and pull her towards me.

"I'm not scared," she claims.

"Stop denying the truth," I yell at her. She pulls away from me.

"Leave me alone. Can't you see that this is not easy for me? You're just making it worse. I hate you! I hate you so much," she screams in my face.

"You don't hate me. You're scared that I figured you out so quickly. I think you want this. I think you like feeling scared and lonely. You like throwing a pity party for yourself. It gives you excuses. Stop acting like a child and grow up. You're seventeen for goodness sakes! Stop acting like a premature bitch," I whisper in her ear. She pushes me away and starts to run away. This time I don't follow her. She needs time to think.

I notice Spencer sitting by a tree looking at his phone. Hm, let me think. He's Carly's older brother, usually silly. He looks changed, though. He looks sad and aged. The sadness and loneliness is taking over him. I know that she tried to commit suicide, I know he's friends with Freddie and this must be hard for him. All those memories. I think I figured him out. I walk over to him and sit next to him. He looks at me.

"You're Sam's friend, right?" he asks blandly.

"Yep. This reminds you of your mom right?" I guess. Sam told me that their mom died but I don't know how.

"How did you know? How did you know that she died?" he asks me. I look at him up and down.

"This must have a lot of memories that are not satisfying. It must be hard for you. Do you want to talk about her?" I ask him. He looks down at his blank phone.

"She did die, before Carly was even two. I loved my mom, even though I didn't understand what was wrong. I never realized that she was sick. Every night I would always wonder where she was and in the morning, I found her sitting on the couch with an empty bottle of wine. Sometimes even two. She drank every time of the day, it didn't matter. She was depressed. She killed herself by taking my jump rope and hanging herself in the living room," he starts to tear up and I feel myself tearing up too. I have to stay strong. I have to figure him out. For his sake.

"You're afraid that Carly and Freddie will do that again, huh? You're afraid that Carly will try again. You don't want that to happen because she's all you got. I mean, you have your dad but he ignores you. He's mad at you for quitting law school and becoming an artist. You know that he is becoming even more broken by the day. And you can't do anything about it. You hide behind this fun silly exterior but you're really broken inside," I now realize that I'm just like Spencer. We are both acting.

"How do you know all this?"

"Because I'm the same way," I walk up from the tree and walk away. I take out my phone and call Robbie. This time, I don't want to act.

"Hey Kitty Cat," I hear his voice on the other end.

"Hi, Robbie. I need to talk to you,"

"What about?"

"Us. I figured myself out and that's scary, Robbie. I figure out everyone except myself and you and that was perfect but then I realized myself out. I'm broken, Robbie. I'm broken," I start to cry and I sit down on a bench to contain myself.

"Cat, what's going on? You're scaring me. Is everything okay?"

"No! I told you that! I thought I was fine but I'm not so sure anymore. I'm not perfect bubbly Cat, Robbie. I'm Caterina. Pre Hollywood Arts. I'm scared, broken, real Caterina. Nobody knows who I am," I confess everything. Even though he will never understand.

"Cat, I wanted to surprise you and I think now is the perfect time to. Look at your right," I obey and look to my right. I see Robbie standing in the middle of the road. I run up to him and hug him. He hugs me back and then leads me to the side of the road. I kiss him. I then start to cry.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I never told you," I apologize.

"Sorry for what?"

"For lying to you about who I really am. I hid behind this crazy exterior and I wasn't true to you or anyone, for that matter. I never changed, I hid behind a mask. I think it's time to take that mask off,"

"What are you even talking about? Cat, you're scaring me," Robbie takes my hands and leads me to the bench. He stares into my eyes and I look back.

"I changed my personality and who I was. I stopped being Caterina and started being Cat. I wore pink clothes and had a bubbly personality. I acted stupid even though I knew more than you or anybody at our school, really. I saw Hollywood Arts and I knew it was the perfect escape from my life. I started singing and then I got in, I dyed my hair red, I started wearing dresses, I started to be different. I thought that if I pretended enough, it would change all together. It didn't though. I didn't change. It only made me worse. I'm tired of hiding behind a different person. I'm tired of lying," I rant on to my boyfriend. He kisses my cheek and looks in my eyes, wiping away a tear that rolled down my cheek.

"I love you Cat. Or Caterina. You should be whoever you want to be, not who you think you should be. I am in love with you. Cat or Caterina," I smile through my tears and he kisses my tears away, nipping at my cheek. I giggle.

"Robbie! Stop! I love you too," I giggle. He smiles and gets up and takes my hand.

"Show me around,"

**Sam's POV:**

I walk to his apartment. I take the key out of my back pocket, yes he gave me a spare key before I left. I open the apartment and see it completely empty. Nothing looks cleaned, which is not usual. I walk into his room and look for his computer but don't see anything. I remember the video and that it was in the iCarly studio. Where it all started. God, he wanted to end his life when all the good memories started. When his life actually started.

I spot his phone on the desk and see that there's a lock code. I put Carly in it but it doesn't work. I then put iCarly but nothing. Mom. Nothing. Sam. It opens. Why would he put me as his lock code? I thought he didn't care about me. I see his list. I see all the death threats. I see everything that he hides. I see the pictures of the scars on his wrist. I see that he deleted all photos of us. I see everything. I see the draft texts that he tried to send me. It breaks my heart that I broke his heart. I honestly thought he would never care about me so I shut him out. I feel responsible. I feel guilty.

I sit on the bed and see one of his black sweatshirts on the floor. I walk to the closet and see one of his actual shirts, not the black ones. I take the blue sweatshirt and put it on. It gives me comfort, it gives me closure. Closure that I need to stop acting like a child and resolve the problems that I've caused. When he comes home, we will talk. We will talk and be mature about it. At least I hope. I lay on the bed and I do something that I would never usually do. I cried.

**Carly's POV:**

I sit in the dining room, checking my text messages. Dad comes in and gives me a look.

"Tired of house arrest?" he asks me. I don't respond.

"Carly, talk to me! I'm doing the best for you and you should be respectful to me," I still don't respond.

"Alright, you want to act like a child, I'll treat you like a child. Give me your phone and go upstairs," he takes my phone.

"What are you doing? What if Sam or Freddie calls? They don't have your number!" I scream at my unreasonable father.

"You should have thought about that before you tried to jump off a cliff," he yells back at me.

"You think I like feeling miserable all the time? I just wanted to stop feeling and this is not helping! You should be taking care of me, not sending me to stupid therapy and taking away my phone! I want to go back to Seattle! I hate living with you!" I scream at him. He takes his head in his hands.

"I just don't want you to end up like your mother, that's all," he sighs.

"What about her?"

"Carly, I think it's best if you knew the truth of how your mom died," he says, sitting down.

"What do you mean? She died in a car accident when I was two,"

"No, actually. She was an alcoholic and depressed. She killed herself. She hanged herself," I can't believe what he's saying. Why would she do that? Especially when she had two kids!

"Why would you lie to me this whole time? I'm so out of here!" I scream, going upstairs. I slam my bedroom door and cry on my bed. I hear knocking at my door but I ignore it. I just want to ignore it all.

**Hi… again, really really sorry! I promise it won't happen again!**


End file.
